I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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