I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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