just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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