remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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