I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
