Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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