cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
