We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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