Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
