I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
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You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...