how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
