Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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