You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
did i just pee glitter
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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