have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
