Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
