I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh god it's open bar.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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