remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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