I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
