I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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