So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
