There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
