everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks