Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."