I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!