he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not