so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dating After Heartbreak
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?