Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
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Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo