You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
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I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....