maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize