I think I won the penis lottery.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
