Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
