I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
