it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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