Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
