I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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