thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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