Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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