if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
