im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
