You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
