grandma shit on top of the toilet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
