I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
