So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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