I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
