So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
