Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
