So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
