i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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