med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
