please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
