I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
