Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
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Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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