just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
