I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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