we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
