I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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