Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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