The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize