My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
