But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
