Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize