my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
